EnviroPanic



Scary Global Warming Clouds

Scary Global Warming Clouds

How I stopped worrying and learn to love global warming. It’s here, why fight it? The US Armed Services take it seriously and are currently planning for climate change. Why not you? Don’t believe cranky political conservatives that complain the science is shaky. Of course it is. Exaggerated and unsubstantiated claims, bogus climate models, digging up concerned scientists that know less of meteorology than the weather babe on the local TV Newscast. They’re scientists for God’s sake! What does it matter if their field of study is deep space astronomy or molecular dermatology? That’s not the point. The point is….how can you profit from it? How can I, in good conscience, say this? It’s the American Way. “Do not waste a good crisis,” says Mayor Rahm Emmanuel. And if you can’t trust the mayor of Chicago, who can you trust? My daily EnviroPanic spam tells me that this is a crisis, with a big “C”. Is it worse than an “old fashion” Cold War atomic annihilation? Worse than ozone munching freon? Worse than flesh eating bacteria? Worse than a Korean’s love of Spam? It’s worser!!!

Come on, so we loose some beachfront property. A couple countries might bite it big. We can give the Dutch some acreage in Northern Nevada when the dikes break and the North Sea floods Holland. Maybe they can re-occupy Harlem and the Bronx and start some tulip farms. If NYC doesn’t flood itself. Let’s not leave it to the environmentalists to score all the cash by scaring the crap out of everyone. Let’s make money the old fashion American Way.

Map of Eden

Map of Eden

  1. Buy low and sell high.
  2. Cornering the market.
  3. Beat the competition by paying members of congress to pass laws that subsidize and protect you from your capitalist rivals.
  4. Have regulators appointed that are more interested in getting high paying jobs in your industry than protecting the public from your misconduct and gross exploitation.
  5. All this in the pursuit of obscene profits and a big damn year end bonus!!
    Garden Of Eden

    Garden Of Eden

    According to studies in archaeo climatology, 6000 to 8000 years ago the earth was hotter than it is now. At times up to 5 degrees F warmer. Why? Well it sure wasn’t coal burning, carbon spitting electrical plants. Nobody knows for sure. And a bunch of esoteric theories don’t put money in the bank. The point is it probably won’t matter how much industrial carbon we take out the atmosphere, global warming is coming. Face the heat baby, climate change is here to stay. Some back story….4000/6000 BCE is often referred to as the “Garden of Eden” period or the Neolithic Wet Phase. Why? When it’s hotter glaciers melt, more water is released into the atmosphere and as more water evaporates it rains. And rains and rains and all this rain grows tropical jungles, rain forests – a Garden Of Eden (also Noah’s flood).  And all this heat and moisture raises the damn humidity. That’s my first tip. Air conditioners are going to sell like hot cakes when the earth turns Jurassic. Anyone who has spent time in the tropics knows how those buzzing bugs get. Insect repellant is a good bet. Maybe baseball bats for smacking those extra large flying bugs.

    Adam. Eve, Mr Snake

    Adam. Eve, Mr Snake

 

Fungicides of all kinds will be needed when the inevitable crotch rot and other fungi infested skin irritations erupt. Glaciers will disappear so glaciel water futures could be a good bet. With all that extra water flowing, dam and dike engineering would be a reasonable field of study. Snow skiing vacations in Antartica might be a smart move. Start leasing the best slopes now. Hell, this kind of nonsense could drag the country out of the recession. As we all know, there’s nothing wrong with this economy that a good speculative bubble won’t cure. Are we ready for the Carbon Bubble? Doomsayers aside, global warming could be just what the doctor ordered.

 

 

 

 

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